My Online Prose Portfolio

"Write out of love, write out of instinct, write out of reason. But always for money."
Louis Untermeyer


What She did for Love

“Let’s watch Love Connection, Joe!” Mary urged.

I groaned. “Why?”

“Because it’s funny! Especially when they don’t get along and insult each other.” She cuddled next to me and, with her big brown puppy-dog eyes, asked, “Please, honey?”

I hated when she did that, because she knew I’d give in. I always swore that next time, I would not back down. “If you really want to…”

“Goodie!” Mary snatched the remote and flicked on the TV.

Chuck Woolery was asking another guy about what he liked in women. “Well, Chuck, I like my women tall and lean, but fairly, uh, stacked on top, if you know what I mean.” The guy grinned as the crowd hooted and cheered.

“What a pig,” Mary said.

The pig wore a bright yellow shirt with black slacks. A heavy gold chain hung around his neck. He had long, shaggy hair and a wide, leering smile.

Chuck duly laughed with the audience, then turned to the camera. “Let’s meet the girl the audience picked for Jeff. Say hello to Hedy!” He turned to the large screen over his shoulder. “Hi, Hedy, how are you?”

Hedy smiled brightly. She had drab black hair and a pair of puffy, chipmunk-like cheeks. “I’m good, Chuck, thanks. How are you?”

Chuck chuckled smoothly. “Just great, Hedy, just great. Thanks for asking.”

“Honey, would you please shoot me and put me out of my misery?” I asked.

“Hush! They’re talking about the date.”

“She looked okay,” Jeff was saying, “but nothing great. I wasn’t very impressed, you know?”

“Ouch,” I said.

The audience booed and hissed, sensing a verbal bloodbath.

Chuck grimaced playfully and asked Hedy, “Well, how did Jeff look to you?”

Hedy said nothing, staring at Jeff in hurt bewilderment. “I thought I looked pretty,” she mumbled.

“Excuse me?” Chuck said.

Hedy blinked a few times, then recovered and glared at Jeff. “I was disappointed, Chuck. He looked half-way human on the video, but much worse when I saw him in person.”

“All right!” Mary exclaimed. “Score one for the female!”

The jeering of the crowd rose another ten decibels.

“This obviously is not going too well,” Chuck remarked. “Jeff, what happened next?”

“I took her to a nice restaurant...” he began.

“It wasn’t a nice restaurant,” Hedy cut in. “It was a dive. The food was awful and the waiters were ugly, though better looking than Jeff. My soup was cold, my steak overcooked, and the ice cream - ”

“Really, Hedy, after seeing you, I didn’t have the guts to take you to an elegant restaurant. You would have been an eyesore.”

“No, you didn’t take me a nice place because you’re a cheap jerk!”

“Sorry, babe, that dress you were wearing. That was cheap.”

Chuck held up his hands, trying to regain control. “Time out! Let’s – ”

Hedy disappeared from the screen.

“She took off!” Mary exclaimed.

“No, she’s walking on to the stage!” I said, pointing at the TV.

Hedy strode out to Jeff and Chuck, both of whom had stood, looking very surprised.

Hedy stopped five feet from them, rummaged in a large purse and pulled out a pistol. “Good night, you two-faced scumbag.” She pumped a round into Jeff’s face, and his head exploded in a splash of blood and gore. Hedy was swinging the gun toward a cowering Chuck Woolery when the station cut to a commercial.

“Vicious enough for you, honey?” I asked.

“Wow,” Mary said. “That was cool.”

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